Juggling Failures Today was a better day then the last several, praise the Lord. Let's see, I woke up early and couldn't go back to sleep, so I got up and made a to do list, and looked at my calender for the week. I thought about why I have been depressed and did not come up with any new discoveries.

Let's see, I am overweight and I don't like that. And I can't seem to stick to a diet and exercise program to keep it off. I have done the Atkin's diet several times and I lose the weight, but as soon as I start eating normally again, I gain it all back, and a little more. I think I need to just totally alter my eating habits for life, but boy is that difficult! I feel like having a coke and a Twix is a treat, a reward for a hard day's work! And when anyone wants to meet with me to talk about something, it must be over a mocha... there really is no other way to talk properly. Okay, so that is problem number one. Next, is the difficult act of juggling homeschooling four different grades, and cleaning, and cooking, and being a good wife, friend, sister, pastor's wife, daughter, etc. I think I get discouraged when I think, "Other people are doing this and are not struggling, what is wrong with me?" And of course it doesn't help when my Dad says, "You have to make time to exercise", and M's cello teacher says, "Now how much time are you practing him every day?" I think I will make a detailed copy of my schedule and pass it out to people when they don't seem to understand what I do with my time since I stay at home. Here tis'...

6:00- Shower, QT, 7:00- Dress kids, chores; 7:20- Make Breakfast, 7:40- Eat, 7:55- Clean up, 8:10- Brush kids teeth, 8:25- Cello w/ M, 8:40- Viola w/ J, 8:55- Violin w/ C, 9:10- Violin w/ A, 9:25- Phonics w/ J, 9:40- Phonics w/ M, 9:55- Handwriting- J,M,E; 10:10- Math-J,M; 10:40- Memory-J,M,E; 11:00- Prep lunch; 11:15- Lunch, 11:30- clean up, 11:45- Laundry, fold/put away; 12:10- Memory- C/A, 12:30- Daily cleaning, 1:00- Language- J,M; 1:20- Language-A, 1:35- Language- C, 1:50- Math- A, 2:05- Math-C; 2:20- Go over logic, all lessons, etc; 2:45- History- C/A, 3:30- Writing- C/A, 4:00- Spelling- C/A, 4:20- Piano w/ A; 4:40- supper prep; 5:30- Supper, clean up; 6:15- pick up; 6:45- Bathe kids; 7:15- bible study, or prayer meeting or ???

And that does not include exercise! or urgent phone calls! or anything else! ok, now that I look at that, I feel better. I must just keep pressing on, doing the best that I can. And on days when the new divorcee calls and needs to talk for awhile, I talk to her and ignore the schedule and receive it as a divine interruption. Yes, I feel much better now that I see all of that. No wonder I occasionally am dropping balls in this juggling act!   ¶ 10:30 PM

  Down and Out My dad came by yesterday and as often happens when he comes over, I was crying when he left. I don't know why exactly. He is very gruff and I am very sensitive. He poked me in my middle and told me that I needed to be exercising. That is always just what you want to hear from your daddy. And I guess I know that I am a disappointment to him as I do not have a career. And I know how much he admires my older sister S, who is very much like him; very gruff, doesn't cry very easily and usually can win in a verbal attack with anybody. I hate it that he feels like a bit of a failure because I did not finish my undergrad degree; I got married. And that I still didn't finish it; I had five children and then chose to homeschool them. I am the only child of the five in my family, that didn't finish college. I am the only one who stays at home. I am the only one with more than two children. And I am the only one that homeschools. I felt depressed all day yesterday and again today. As a matter of fact, I knew I should just stay in bed this morning and skip church. I felt weak and tired and weepy. But I went and then ended up leaving during SS cause I kept bawling. Nice.   ¶ 10:00 PM

  I had a fairly decent day. School went well with the children. I am thinking that my 5 yr old might take off and be really reading well, before my 6 yr old will. I don't really like that, and have been trying to push the 6 yr old, but letters and phonics just do not come as easily for him as they do for M, the 5 yr old. It is so interesting to see how different all of my children are. C is very abstract, yet very rules oriented. A is extremely concrete, as is J. M is abstract yet not rules oriented, and I am not sure about E yet. I think she is a concrete thinker. A loves to read, but C would prefer to be read to or to listen to a book on tape. J will listen to me read for a bit, but M could listen for much longer if I would continue. It is fascinating to see them all develop and to note which ones are more like me (concrete), and which ones are more like T (abstract).

Okay, right now I am reading Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire...again... only this time it is the UK version, and that has been an added delight. Reading lovely british words like donderhead, fez, smashing, corking, holidaying, and timetable, has been quite enjoyable. I will be interested to know as the story develops in the sixth and seventh books, why Voldemort said that Lily Potter didn't have to die; why not? If he would kill a baby, why would he hesitate to kill Lily, especially as he hated mudbloods and she was one? Is she related to him? Or did he love her?

I am also reading Confessions of An Organized Homemaker by Deniece Schofield which has some helpful tidbits in it.

A just finished Harry and the Goblet of Fire, and is now reading the eighth Elsie Dinsmore book. C is reading the Black Cauldron. I am reading Fairy Tales by Hans Christian Anderson to the little ones. And T is reading The Singular Mark Twain.

I watched A Love Affair the other night with my sister in law and it was great. I will have to get An Affair to Remember again and watch it before I can decide which one I like better. Watched the Prince and the Pauper with the children, and am trying to decide if they (C and A) could watch Dances With Wolves if I fast forwarded a few scenes.

I have been having the kids watch a tv show everyday called Liberty Kids which is on PBS and is great and dovetails our history study right now. And also Between the Lions (another PBS show) for the little ones, (although C and A watch it as well and think it is hilarious.)

Okay, I must go find some more funny british words in my book before I go to sleep.

  ¶ 11:17 PM

  I love teaching history to my children. It is my favorite subject to teach. I feel like I am learning so much for the first time myself! And all of life seems to make more sense to me, the more history I know. I can understand why we are where we are better by knowing history. I think I have decided, that in a big picture kind of way, history is more important than all other subjects. Of course my child will be much more limited in attaining good history if he is unable to read, therefore reading and a good understanding of language are also important. But knowing history, and then trying to understand it, seems to make everything else fall in place.

One thing that the children love for me to do, is to supplement our study of history, with videos which are set in the particular time frame that we are studying. So, we have watched The Ten Commandments, Ben-Hur, Robinhood, Knights Tale, Hamlet, and the Adventures of Huckleberry Fin, to name a few. Tonight's movie is Gone With the Wind. Sometimes I have to have them leave the room for a minute while I fast forward through an inappropriate part, but it is such a nice way to make that time period in history really come alive for them.

Must go make hot chocolate and start the DVD!  ¶ 6:59 PM

  I just had a great conversation with my friend on the phone. It was one of those friendship altering conversations; I mean that in a good way.

We have been friends for a very long time, and I am extremely extroverted and she is very introverted. We were very, very close for several years, and then I personally went through some difficult times and she felt that in some ways I had broken trust with her. The next few years after that were a bit difficult, but I loved her and the relationship was important to me, and so I kept trying to heal the perceived infliction and take things back to where they had been. Our friendship slowly got better and then seemed to plateau at a place far short of where it had been and where I wanted it to be.

It stayed that way for a few years; We would chat on the phone every once in awhile, but I never shared all of my thoughts with her because I could tell that she didn't really want that, and I didn't try to get her to open up about anything as I used to do before the troubles. In my mind, it seemed like either she just didn't seem to trust me, or she just couldn't accept my shortcomings now that she knew them.

And then about nine months ago we met for a mocha and a talk. I shared how I wanted us to be closer but that I felt like she was content with where we were. She said that she was content with our friendship where it was. We talked a little more and she said a few things, and I felt like for the first time in our friendship I could see myself through her eyes and it was ugly, and it made me feel sick. I saw a loud, pushy, mouthy, bossy me. It shocked me, hurt me, and confused me. So for the last nine months, I haven't really tried anymore. It wasn't that I was really angry with her, (although I suppose I was a bit; I had always enjoyed our differences, and I had always felt like maybe she wanted me to help her open up and communicate her thoughts and feelings...) It wasn't that I decided to try and punish her and not call her anymore or intentionally try to avoid her- I just realized that if she didn't desire the friendship that there was nothing that I could do to make her want it. I couldn't make her like my personality which was exactly opposite of hers in every possible way. It was painful, but I felt like I had tried everything that was in my power to restore our friendship and that there was nothing else that I could do. If she just didn't like me, I had to accept her choice and respect her opinion, and try not to feel offended.

Tonight I had to call her about something, and after we talked about that, she shared with me how she was reading this good book on friendship and how she was learning a lot. And she said that she wanted to talk about some things. She mentioned how she had noticed a difference in things lately between us and was wondering what was going on, that she had felt like I had sort of disappeared, and also, how when we had met that day nine months ago, that it had offended her when I had said that I thought that she wanted our friendship to remain how it was. I was trying very hard to understand how that might have offended her, but I didn't think too long on it as it didn't really matter if I understood how it might have offended her, just that it Did offend her. Anyways, what followed was a very good and open conversation. And I realized that for some reason, she often misunderstands things that I say; I am always very open with my thoughts and feelings, and that when I say things she has perceived that I am trying to hurt her; she thinks that sometimes I say things in a mean spirited way. It was very enlightening to me, and in the end, I asked her if she would try to give me the benefit of charity when she feels offended; to trust that I don't try to offend her on purpose. And when she does feel hurt, to say to me- "Did you just say or mean such and such?" And that way I can say, "yes, that is what I said," or "oh no, that isn't what I meant to say or imply at all, let me try to communicate that in a better way".

I think that she still thinks that I am sometimes too loud, or too intrusive, although she didn't say that, but I think that she is ready to accept those flaws. That she sees that we all have terrible faults and foibles, and that we have to have grace with each other in our friendships, in our marriages, in our church, and in every single relationship that we have.
  ¶ 9:44 PM

  Have had a lovely morning so far. Got up at 7 and worked on the computer. I love my computer. Anyways, I cleaned up My Documents. Made several folders...Homeschool, Home Managemant, Finances, (I guess i could have put put finance in home management, and maybe later i will), Church, Misc. Then I put all of my documents in a folder. Should have done this a long time ago, but I am relatively new to this whole computer business and didn't realize how easy it was! Then I did the same to all of my pictures. Nice and organized. I love it! It would have been a perfect morning if I hadn't had to make breakfast... if someone else had done it and brought me up some hash browns, sausage, and juice. (I usually wait on caffeine until 11 am; I feel I must do at least one thing in my efforts to not totally abuse my body. Actually, for some reason, when I have coffee for breakfast, I often get a headache. Not sure why. If I didn't I probably would drink coffee at breakfast.) But unfortunately, T went in to the office early... at 6:45, and we do not have juice anyways! We do have hash browns and sausage, but I feel lazy and don't want to cook. Hmmm, what shall I do?  ¶ 9:40 AM

  Feel bright and chipper today. I suppose because one of our really great members of our church loaned us the money to get our car out of the shop, and the church gave us a 250.00 bonus which enabled us to get pay our car insurance -150.00, fill up the gas tank- 45.00, and cover two other checks which were floating out there for 20.00 and 22.00. I don't mind living on a tight budget, I only get discouraged when the emergency unexpected things come up and there is not enough in savings to cover them.

I also just finished a lovely cup of mint hot chocolate with marshmellow cream in it which was delightful to savor. And I know that I don't have to homeschool today, or for two more weeks!!! Yippee!!!  ¶ 12:15 PM